Fighting Comparison: What God is Teaching Me as a New Parent
Imagine you find out you can buy a brand new car 50% off.
The catch is, you aren’t exactly sure what kind of car you’ll be receiving or when you will be getting it, but the estimated time is 9 months. Two of your best friends got this same special deal a few months ago, and they always rave about how they instantly fell in love with their cars.
I really need a new car. What the heck, why not!
Your Pinterest board is chalk full of cute interior ideas for your dream car; you finally read that post you pinned a year ago about easy maintenance tips and tricks to keep a car in perfect condition. You buy that matching car seat, steering wheel, and seatbelt cover set you favorited on Etsy. Your little sister even buys you the cutest puppy bobble head to put on the dashboard.
Can my car just get here already?
8 months and 3 weeks later, you finally get the call your car is on its way.
YES!
You get to the dealership, and anxiously await for your new ride to pull up after filling out hours of paperwork.
“Here you go!” says the salesman, as he places the keys to your mystery vehicle in your outstretched hand. You walk outside, and there it is. So beautiful, shiny, and new.
You jump in the driver’s seat and go to put your key in the ignition—
wait, where is the...
Okay, gotcha. The ignition is on the side of the steering wheel instead of inset on the dash like your mom’s car. No big deal.
You click your seatbelt, turn the key; engine is on. You touch the gas pedal and the car lurches forward, taking you a little by surprise and making your heart race.
Wow, the gas is way touchcier than I expected. This is nothing like Grandpa’s truck.
As you drive home, you’re noticing the little details inside your car. The rear view mirror is small, the side view mirrors are big and bulky, the seats are made of faux leather and they aren’t heated. It’s just not quite how you pictured it.
You pull into the driveway, and immediately go inside to retrieve the accessories you have saved for this special occasion. You realize the car seat covers are going to be way too small, the steering wheel cover is too big, and your puppy takes a tumble at every stop sign because the dash is too steep.
Overall, based on what you had experienced and what others had told you, you just didn’t realize what you were going to get. While still thankful to have a brand new car, you’re feeling discouraged and a little frustrated.
This is kind of what it’s like to have a baby.
Getting ready to have your first baby is extremely exciting. The crib, the paint colors, the toys, the clothes (DEFINITELY the clothes) make the anticipation of your little babe’s arrival practically unbearable (not to mention the aches and pains of carrying and growing a tiny human for almost a year, but that’s another blog post).
In a flash, you’re at the hospital. You labor for hours.
You’re tired.
You’re in pain.
You’re so ready.
Then push, push, POP.
There they are.
And you are a parent now. In a split second, you are now responsible for caring for another human being. A little person you just met for the first time, that is completely dependent on you for everything. Crying. Helpless. Scared. Confused.
When Izabella Miranda Mercy was given to me just seconds after being delivered from my womb, she laid on my chest. Crying. Helpless. Scared. Confused.
And I immediately realized how many expectations I already had for her. For us.
I struggled immensely with depression and anxiety in the last few months of pregnancy, fearing I wouldn’t love my little babe as much as I should, or rather, as much as everyone else instantly loves their babies when they are born.
How could I possibly love a complete stranger ?
How will I know I love her?
What if she doesn’t like me at all?
What if I cannot be a good mom?
Did you know one in seven mothers will experience postpartum depression?
Bet you didn’t.
Unless you’re a mom who knows the struggle or have a loved one who experienced PPD, you most likely didn’t even know it existed.
This is because Hollywood and our media presence today tells us pregnancy is beautiful, childbirth is a little pushing and screaming, and motherhood love is instantaneous.
Romantic, isn’t it?
I mean, if Jennifer Aniston, Rachel, can have a baby, still manage perfect hair and minimal sweatiness, then return to Ross’s apartment looking exactly the same as she did before being pregnant, it can’t be that hard, right?
At the hospital, Izabella didn’t cry as much as I thought she would. Breastfeeding her hurt. She slept a lot more than I expected. She wasn’t as big as the doctors expected; when Michael went to dress her as we checked out, she was swimming in her onesie. But her head was bigger than we expected, so her hat was way too small.
The farther I’ve made it into motherhood, the more I’ve realized how often I compare myself to other mothers and their babies. I’ve always struggled with comparison, but I’ve never thought of it as an issue.
The more sleepless nights I had trying to get Izzy to sleep the way KellyMom or BabyCenter told me to, the more I realized how often I try to take someone else’s square mold lifestyle and force my rectangle block life into it, breeding frustration and discontentment.
But each person should examine his own work, and then he will have a reason for boasting in himself alone, and not in respect to someone else. Galatians 6:4
Teddy Roosevelt said it best, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Especially when the cost is missing out on opportunities to appreciate how uniquely God has created you and your family.
For we are His creation, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared ahead of time so that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
Two months later, I have learned this: God prepared me to be a great mom, not a perfect one, but a great one.
For my daughter, no one else’s.
I am Emma Leigh Howard, Daughter of the King, a great, God-fearing mother to Izzy, a blessed gift of God’s mercy.
And I will praise His name, take back my joy, and live in His good work created for me.
Izabella Miranda Mercy Howard: born October 7, 2017 5:33 p.m.